the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize