What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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