The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
