They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
