is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
