if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
