i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
