forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
