When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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