His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
