I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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