I look better un-naked...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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