I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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