Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
