I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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