she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
