I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
