My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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