I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
