My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
