just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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