Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
