When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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