I wish I only lived at night.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
did i just pee glitter
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize