Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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