Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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