im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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