I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Too much gin, very little bucket
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
