Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
