I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
