I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
