OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize