Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I fill condoms, not promises.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I want a musical about memes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
