so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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