I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
