By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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