Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
