My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
