My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize