I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
