The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
