I wish I could teleport
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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