1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
