I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
