your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
