I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
