you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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