Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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