my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
