im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize