I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
