your room smells of hookers.
And success
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
the raccoons are back...
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