I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
