They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
