Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
