I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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